Processes to go through with your parents before they die
These processes can be meaningful to go through with any loved ones who are nearing passing. Given that your life came from theirs, helping your parents complete their lives tends to be particularly meaningful.
Help them make a timeline of their life. All the big events, starting with their birth and earliest memories, up to present. This is a great way to get to know them even better while you still can. And reliving their life through telling the stories can help them harvest the gifts, re-enjoy it all through the memory of it, and identify any areas that still feel unresolved (to be addressed in a following process.) Here is one way to do this process: The timeline can be drawn with birth on the left and a horizontal line going towards death on the far right. Experiences are placed where they occurred chronologically. Positive experiences can be depicted as lines going up from the horizontal line, and difficult experiences going down from the horizontal line. The length of line can correlate to the intensity of the experience. Short descriptions are written on the vertical lines corresponding to the experiences. Years can be added on the horizontal line. (There are also apps to do this. The stories are worth audio recording as well.) One way to prompt memories if needed is to go through the timeline with different questions, like romantic relationships, jobs, places they lived, etc. Often, going through pictures and old music they loved is meaningful and triggers memories. The experiences can be things that happened and things they did - the gifts and the achievements. The positive experiences can simply be enjoyed. For the negative experiences, you can ask what they learned from it, then write the lesson along with the experience. In this way, there is beauty in all of it.
Relationship healing:
Peacemaking. Forgive them for any ways they hurt you. Help them forgive themselves. Apologize for the ways you hurt them. Do what you need to on your own (or with support) for this to be congruent. You both want to feel that there is no residual pain (resentment, guilt, remorse) between you.
Appreciation and gratitude. Write them a letter of everything you learned from them and all your positive experiences with them. Of all the gifts in your life that they contributed to. Work to take in all they did for you, really appreciate it, and help them feel that appreciation. They live on through what they leave. Also, inquire into which of their virtues you want to embody more fully as they will no longer be here holding those qualities. Share that commitment with them.
Reassurance. They may resist leaving for concern about your well being. Reassure them that you are alright, will be alright, and it’s ok for them to go. (Helping get their logistical affairs in order is a major part of this.)
Family healing: If you are able, help the other family members and close people to go through the relationship healing process above with them as well. And help the person passing to make peace with everyone, whether they are able to talk with them directly or not. Offer reassurance that you’ll help take care of the ones they care about that are most in need.
Wisdom gathering: Ask their life advice on everything and take notes. “Every time an old person dies, a library burns.”
Bucket list: see if there is anything they really want to experience before they go that would add to the richness of their life. Make it happen if you can.
Help them see how they touched the world. Inventory with them all the positive impacts on your life and the lives of others. Help them see all the beauty they created clearly.
Help them be at peace with passing. Beyond the steps above, if there is any fear of death for them, help them move through that. Psychedelics can be very useful. As well as meditation, and other spiritual practices and insights that they might resonate with. When death comes, they want to be ready to great her as a friend.
This message is meant for men who have experienced a woman feeling badly about a sexual experience with them, and would like to prevent that type of experience in the future. (It may also be useful for women who want to avoid having sexual experiences they regret later.) There are some fairly simple guidelines to verify that she is making choices she feels congruently good about and is likely to feel good about later.
Practices:
Check in with her and make sure anything she is saying yes to is a clear, congruent, strong yes. If there is any hesitation in her about it, if its a maybe…that means at least some part of her is a no currently and you should treat it as a no. (That part is the part that can regret the engagement later.) She should feel the opposite of pressure. Don’t try to get her to feel comfortable with something she is not fully. Check yourself for even subtle manipulation and stay in full integrity.
Only take new sexual steps when you are both completely sober. If you’ve established comfort with a particular level of sexual connection, you can introduce intoxicants to that level of play. But you don’t want her to make a decision that she has never made before with you, that may later feel consequential, when her discernment is less than full. Eg, if you’ve been dating and having oral sex for some time but not intercourse, and you want to have oral sex again while high or buzzed, (assuming the intoxicant is familiar and handled well), thats probably fine. But if she feels open to having intercourse for the first time then, wait until she’s fully sober to make that choice.
If she expresses a limit, hold that limit for the duration of that interaction, even if she changes her mind. Eg, if she says she wants to make out but doesn’t want to have sex, then once making out, decides she is open to sex, say that you are honored and that if she still wants to have sex tomorrow night, you’d love to, but for tonight, you want to honor the boundary she expressed earlier. (Arousal can act like an intoxicant. If she still wants to have sex tomorrow, she will feel safer and more respected so the connection will be better and hotter. If she’s doesn’t still want to, so much better that it didn’t happen from the heat of a moment.)
Talk about what this act means to you both. What do each of you want it to mean and not want it to mean? And what does she expect and desire in terms of how you will relate with her after this? Find out her truth and share your own truth clearly. For instance, does having sex implicitly mean to her that she hopes you two are starting a romantic relationship? Does having sex for the 3rd time mean that you are now in a committed relationship? Does it mean you will be sexual when you see each other from now on? Do you want it to be just this time with no disappointment by her if you don’t connect intimately again? Its important to actually talk about these things clearly first. Make the implicit explicit. Make sure you are on the same page. Implicit, unspoken desires, that don’t get fulfilled, can be a basis for future regret.
Safe sex. Talk about this together and make sure that no one is exposed to any risk they aren’t fully aware of. Consent requires full knowledge of possible consequences so one knows clearly what they are consenting to.
Check in about her relationship status. If she’s in a monogamous relationship, you don’t want to be the guy she has an affair with. If she’s in a relationship transition and actively grieving and vulnerable, err on the side of holding an extra safe space for her. If she’s in an open relationship, ask about her other relationships, their agreements, how everyone feels about the agreements, etc. Better to err on the side of too much rather than too little communication about this.
Feel for congruency. If she says she wants the same thing as you and she is a full yes, but something feels off to you, don’t move forward. Take the time to find out what it is that you’re feeling. The feeling of incongruence is coming from somewhere and should be fully understood before moving forward.
Check in about trauma. If she has unresolved trauma that could get triggered, she could have a strong negative reaction that isn’t really about the current situation. This could be trauma around sexuality, around trust, betrayal, body image, previous relationships, etc. This is worth sensing into and directly inquiring about. Where there are traumas, you should only move forward if you are willing to process and hold space for whatever might arise.
Make sure you trust her. Ask her about her previous partners. If she speaks about them very negatively, thats a concern. Notice how she speaks about men in general. About people who have hurt her. Is she responsible with her emotions? Does she process her emotions without acting from them? Does she talk about whats going on for her? If you don’t trust her emotional maturity, you shouldn’t be sexual with her.
Respect her through your actions after any encounter. Keep her confidence - don’t talk about her irresponsibly. Check in with her afterwards. See how she’s feeling. Make sure that whatever level of vulnerability she goes to with you, is held with an according level of honor ongoingly. Only go as far in intimacy with her as you feel congruent holding with adequate tenderness ongoingly.
Recapping, make sure she is an emotionally mature and stable person. Make sure she is saying yes congruently, with full felt freedom to say no. Only go places you can both go congruently. Make sure the connection means the same thing to both of you and your expectations align. Respect her and communicate that respect through your words and actions. Following these guidelines will only limit sexuality that shouldn’t have happened any way (high regret potential). The sexual connections that still happen are enhanced by these processes. When a woman feels respected and protected, her sexuality is more free. If a woman has regretted being sexual with you previously, it doesn’t mean you definitely did something wrong. It probably does mean, at least, that you weren’t adequately careful. This note is not to say that if a woman regrets having sex with a man it was his fault. It is saying that a man can take steps to make that type of experience very unlikely. Which is clearly better for everyone.
Notes:
0. Of course these principles apply for people being with people, of all gender types and directions. This was stated in the one directional, heteronormative men-to-women direction because it is by far the most common direction for sexual regret of this type. As far as hetero men regretting being sexual with women goes, while this does happen for his own reasons, it is most common that a man regrets being sexual in response to some emotional upset and/or behavior on her part, that most commonly happens from her feeling bad about having been sexual with him. So this is still the direction that has the most inflection potential. Regarding LGBTQ dynamics, of course its a good idea to factor all of these dynamics to ensure that everyone is making decisions that feel fully good about now and are likely to in the future.
Regarding new sexuality, its only a yes if its a hell yes. If its a maybe its a no. Thank you KamalaDevi McClure and Reid Mihalko for this principle.
It should go without saying that including intoxicants of any type needs to be explicitly discussed and agreed upon before hand.
From a selfish point of view, having her leave the experience feeling turned on, respected, protected, and wanting more...is infinitely better than her feeling any degree of regret about the decision. While these are ethical guidelines, they also lead to better sex.
Going further here, find out what she wants relationally in her life. If she is looking for her life partner and to start a family, and you want intimate but uncommitted sex, its probably not a good idea. If she wants a monogamous relationship and you want to be open, also probably a poor match. Take time to have the conversations about alignment before moving forward into sex and attachment that might be attachment that isn’t actually wanted.
Safer sex is a better term as the STI risk even with condoms, tests, and conversations is still not zero. The risk should be clear and held by both people as mature adults. Like driving or any other risky behavior that we choose to engage in thoughtfully. Also, the safer sex talk is for her clear awareness and consent in the context of this note being about avoiding her regret, but should be for your own safety as well. This is a topic worth getting well educated about and comfortable with. If you are not comfortable enough with her to talk about safe sex, you should not be having sex with her.
Open relationship can work but takes a whole set of skills and training since society didn’t teach us how to do it and it goes against massive programming. If you are just starting to interact with someone in an open relationship, or want to explore this, educate yourself. It is an almost certain fail without training.
Feel for congruency means on top of talking explicitly about all of the areas listed...feel for incongruence even if the words line up. This is in addition to explicit communication, not a replacement for it.
Trauma is pretty ubiquitous. When triggered, it takes us out of being calm rational adults and back to the place where the trauma happened, usually childhood. Most interpersonal issues are at least partially the result of unresolved traumas.
I trust someone based on how they behave during their most triggered states. That is the floor they set on their behavior, below which they wont go. I need to go there together to know what I can trust.
Ensuring that she avoids regretting being sexual with you, means ensuring that she feels good about the encounter enduringly. Long past when the high of the encounter has worn off. Only deep and real and demonstrated respect for her will achieve that.
Making sure you will feel good about the decision to connect enduringly as well is also your responsibility.
Practicing holding these guidelines consistently requires impulse control. If you don’t trust yourself to have the impulse control skills for a particular situation, avoid that situation until you develop those skills.
Hopefully this is obvious, but following these tips won't make you a good partner or lover. They just help avoid a few unnecessary sources of suffering. These are the very clear don’t do’s. What to do is a much richer story that starts on this foundation.
This whole note is about empowered responsibility - taking full responsibility to create what we care about. This is not about thinking of women as unclear or incapable of making good decisions or taking responsibility themselves. Written for men who want to create the reality of sexual interactions that are experienced as positive in the moment and into the future...and avoid women regretting sexual experiences with them... These are guidelines to help make that desired reality more likely. While explicit communication is necessary, it is often not sufficient for this purpose. This is why the additional sensing for congruency. Having conflicting parts of self that lead to future regret, or wanting something to be good so biasing in the direction, or wanting to please someone, or being affected by past traumas...are not female issues. They are human issues and happen to all types of people. They are associated with women here because of the topic of the article and the intended audience. The deeper phrasing is that for anyone, in any type of relationship, to trust others, we need to trust our own sensing first...that we are good at telling who we can trust for and with what. And for anyone, wanting to create anything meaningful to them, the more responsibility they take, not just for their own action but for the result they care about and all they can do to support it, the more empowered they will be to create that reality. Empowerment is proportional to responsibility.
Appreciate the beauty of existence. Beauty doesn’t exist in objects. It arises from the relationship of the subject appreciating the object. Meaning is inherently relational. The depth of our appreciation of the beauty of the world increases the meaningfulness of the world. When we are with friends, meditating, listening to music, watching the sunset, laughing at comedy…we are taking in the beauty of reality in that form. That is why we enjoy it and what we are longing for when we desire those experiences. When we are conscious of this, we can deepen our appreciation, and with it, both the joyfulness and meaningfulness of the experience. This is the mode of Being.
Add to the beauty of existence. Picking up trash, creating art, complementing someone, alleviating poverty, inventing technology that improves life, expanding the field of what we know about reality, raising children lovingly, planting trees, sharing things of value we have learned…are all ways to add to the beauty of existence. This is inherently meaningful. The beauty of reality evolved through your action. This is the mode of doing.
Increase your ability to appreciate and add to the beauty of existence. Deepen your ability to recognize beauty everywhere. To take it in. To be touched and moved by it. To feel gratitude, reverence, awe. And develop your capacities and willingness to add beauty. Not just in a narrow domain you call a vocation…but in all the situations and ways you can. Every skill, every insight, every tool and capacity…has a role to play in the evolution of life - in the evolution of the beauty of reality. This is the mode of becoming.
Most actions are other than conscious, and even conscious actions are flavored with other than conscious subtleties. These arise from what has been previously conditioned, i.e., from one’s being. Being influences doing. Doing in turn is conditioning us. Doing affects how we are changing and becoming. Becoming is in turn changing the integrated state of who we are - being. Being, doing, and becoming are equally fundamental, inseparable, and inter affecting, in a ring. The cycle can be vicious or virtuous. Everything that is meaningful is one of these three. Engaging in all three consciously as a virtuous cycle leads to a maximally meaningful life. All three are ultimately inspired by love.
I write this in appreciation and honor for my father. And with the hope that men who may not have had the same type of unreasonable father-fortune that I had, may benefit to some degree from reading whats shared here.
When I was a kid, my Dad was a sort of god to me. As I grew up and individuated, there was a time I took his gifts for granted and focused largely on his faults. Growing up further and appreciating the whole picture in an integrated way...and having more life experience to see how unusual my childhood with him actually was… I feel overwhelmingly grateful for who he was and what he shared with me. Moreover, I feel indebted to share what I can of what I received with others.
My dad was of an old breed of men that I might have thought only an embellished legend if I hadn’t experienced it firsthand. To get some sense of this...
One time we were working on a semi engine and it was time to put it back in the truck. We were waiting on the tractor to return to the shop so we could lift it in, but we were losing daylight. So he wrapped chains around the engine and lifted it back into the truck by hand. Because it needed done. After we finished the job, he repeated a phrase he said continuously throughout my childhood: “see the job, do the job, stay out of the misery”.
Another time he was standing in a parking lot smoking a cigarette when gunshots were fired in one of the stores. Everyone ducked or ran the other way. My dad ran straight towards the sound of the gunshots. After breaking the door down he found that the man wielding the gun had just shot himself in the head. The woman (his ex wife) he had attacked first was badly bleeding but not dead. My dad bandaged her and held the blood in while the ambulance arrived. She lived. He talked to her during that time about her ex husband finally being out of pain and that she could forgive him. He visited with her afterwards and helped her process the emotions further. When he told me about running towards the gunshots, he assumed the shooter was still alive but said he knew he could keep his body moving through enough bullets to take the shooter out and prevent anyone else from getting hurt. He did this for strangers.
Yet another, a friend called in duress as her son who was a police officer but was also mentally unstable had been aggressive towards her more intensely each night and said he would kill her that night. The police station didn’t believe her and wouldn’t intervene. My dad said we would protect her. He waited in the front yard while I (age 16) waited inside armed. The son pulled up in a police car, got out and charged my dad. They went to the ground, my dad put him in a choke hold, and took his gun and threw it. He held him there for many minutes till other police came. Not because he liked fighting, but because she needed protection and there were no other options.
Once during a business meeting, some of his staff interrupted to say they couldn’t remove the tree limb that was threatening the house without a boom truck. He took his suit jacket off, went outside, threw a rope over the limb, climbed it by hand, pulled the chainsaw up, cut the limb, then went back into his meeting.
Just to add cool factor to the list...we were driving on the highway pulling a trailer...he was driving with his knee while rolling a joint when an axle broke and we lost a wheel. He grabbed the wheel with one hand and navigated the car to the side of the road, put it in park, then kept rolling the joint he had maintained in the other hand, before going to check on the wheel.
From acts of this more physically heroic type, to developing intentional communities, designing maybe the first viable city/state at sea project, accurately predicting when the Berlin wall would come down, advancing educational theory, and so on, my dad did impossible things regularly. At the base of that capacity was a commitment to integrity, deeper than most people know is a possibility.
This was taught explicitly through words, and implicitly through actions.
Most of the wisdom was about life and being a human, but some was as a father to a son about being a man, which I am specifically sharing here. (See the note at the bottom for clarification about this.)
Following is a small sampling of some of the teachings he embedded in every learning experience:
Work, Integrity, Motivation, Capacity:
“See the job, do the job, stay out of the misery.”
If a job needs doing, simply do it. No need to bemoan it, wish it wasn’t so, etc. All the suffering is optional.
If a job is worth doing, it’s worth doing well.
Excellence is its own reward.
Do the right thing when nobody's watching.
When running wire or pipe through the studs, he would make it beautiful before putting the drywall on. No one would ever see it. But he knew. Doing the best you can everywhere consistently affects you as a being.
Get the big picture first. Then plan the work. Then implement.
When we would get to a worksite, or before cleaning something, he would put a ladder in the middle of the space, have me stand on the top, and turn slowly taking in the whole picture, and making a map in my head of where everything was, where it should be, what I would do first, etc.
‘How much weight can you lift?’ However much needs lifted. If you ask if you can do it, you might find the answer is no. If its important, just do it.
If you’re leading a team and anyone fails, you’re responsible.
The leader takes responsibility for the project. And for its failures. The whole team participates in the credit of the successes.
The captain gets off of the boat last.
Do the initial work for free. Under promise and over deliver. Then sell the benefits of the competition/ alternatives.
Responsibility is king. If I have the ability to respond, it’s mine to do.
When you accomplish something significant, dont make a big deal out of it. Help others learn to do it.
Master the principle of leverage and apply it everywhere. Physically and metaphysically.
Learn how to use and make tools. Treat tools as extensions of yourself, which they are.
You can generally accomplish more from behind the scenes, when people don’t know what you are doing.
Leave every place and situation better than you found it.
Orderliness is a quality of the unified field itself. Create order in any environment first.
Courage, Power, and Conflict:
If you ever start a fight, Ill kick your ass. If someone is being hurt and you don’t protect them, Ill kick your ass.
The side of right always wins. Be on the side of right and don’t worry about the odds.
Don’t let fear of pain or death keep you from doing the right thing.
Most of the atrocities in the world have been committed by men.
Power must be in the service of all.
Abuse of power is the greatest crime.
If someone is abusing power, over-power them. Do not allow bullies.
If everyone is running away from something, run towards it. If there is a real threat, someone needs to go deal with it.
Let them throw the first punch. If they go for a second, do what you need to stop the violence. If you let it get to blows, you already failed.
Use the minimum amount of force necessary to stop harm. Sometimes overwhelming force is necessary. Project force if needed to avoid violence.
Protect everyone from unnecessary pain wherever you can.
When there was a mortally wounded animal, he would kill it rather than let it suffer. He would also do so where no one else needed to know about it. At a certain point, I went from one of the people he was protecting to learning how to kill painlessly, bury, share only what was needed, etc.
Be a protector and support to everyone. Walk on the outside of the street with everyone. Open everyone’s door. Be available to help anyone.
Relating to Women:
The highest value for men is serving women, nature, and children (future generations).
Worshiping at the altar - how to relate to going down on a woman.
Being in love is a choice. Choose it and cultivate it.
Don’t be controlled by attraction. There are many good reasons to be intimate with someone, only some of which involve attraction.
Don’t hurt women.
Never push for sex. Let her pursue.
If my boss or mentor call, tell them I’m sleeping. If your mom calls, wake me up.
Mind, Education, Psyche:
The world is mostly crazy. Rethink everything for yourself from scratch.
Traditional education and hyperspecialization is a way to make people subservient to the dominant paradigm/ system. Study the generalized principles of nature and be a deep generalist.
If you don’t like the fact that the sky is blue, change your mind. Indulging suffering is a choice.
Be careful, cautious, and conscious. But not scared. Careful is different than fearful.
Jealousy is a type of mental illness - rid yourself of it.
When reading, look up every word and concept you don’t know.
What is real and what is obvious are usually not the same. See past the obvious to the real.
This too shall pass.
No one can actually own part of a celestial orb. Ownership is an illusion.
“All that I have done, you shall do and greater as well.” Be what the world needs.
Be cautious of ambition, it is generally selfish and misguided.
Wholeness is the most important word. Then integrity.
I am. Any other words that follow are not fully true. Don’t identify with them.
Relating to People and the World:
Win-lose mentality is evil. Don’t ever celebrate people’s losses. Always celebrate their wins.
Respect wisdom, not authority.
I want you to surpass me in every way. And you will. That is evolution. And you will treat those you support the same way.
Spend time listening to old people. They are unique living libraries.
Spend time listening to kids - they are further ahead in evolutionary time.
Forgive people and help them do better.
Don’t trust experts (mechanics, doctors, etc.) with vested interests. Learn the topic well enough to understand and check what they are saying.
Service is the most fun hobby.
Sunday mornings we would load the truck with mechanic tools and drive around finding people who were broken down (before cell phones) and fix their cars for them. Such a fun thing to do on a day off.
Always tend to the animals first.
Study the map of any new place you go. Always know how to navigate.
Anticipate emergencies in new environments and create response plans.
Be generous with everything you have: knowledge, money, resources, affection, etc.
If either of us die, we know that we love each other, death doesn’t end love, and any issue is meaningless and already forgiven.
He talked with me about this a number of times. So I knew that if he died and our last conversation was an argument, it didn't matter at all and only love remained.
I have been blessed throughout my life with beautiful relationships, friendships, opportunities, and experiences of all kinds...so much the result of these teachings. I share them in hope that they might be useful.
This is presented in a standard hetero bi-gender narrative framework. That is how it was presented to me. Of course many of these principles apply to all people independent of gender. And of course some men won't resonate with all of these practices as how they choose to be a man. Also important to note that many of these represent one side of a dialectic that on their own could create imbalances. And that there are functional and less functional expressions of most of the ideas here, where the subtleties matter.
My Mom was incredible! She taught me the arts, crafts, culture, world religion, and engaged me early in activism. Was always positive and a delight to be around. My childhood was very much the synergy of the two of them. This note was motivated by gratitude for some aspects of masculinity that have been less painful for me than many, and the wish that more men had good resources on these topics.
My Dad had a very unique and hard life that cultivated the physical heroism in him: his father was a Green Beret, he grew up in very violent areas, family was in construction and military, physical abuse that made him indifferent to pain, etc. Plus he was just a physically big guy. One does not need to run towards bullets to be someone who lives with deep integrity and is in service to life. That is just one way those qualities can express.
The prehistoric shift towards cultivation began our preoccupation with hierarchy and growth – and even changed how we perceive the passage of time
Rock paintings of Neolithic farming in Tassili de Maghidet, Libya.Photograph: Roberto Esposti/Alamy
Most people regard hierarchy in human societies as inevitable, a natural part of who we are. Yet this belief contradicts much of the 200,000-year history of Homo sapiens.
In fact, our ancestors have for the most part been “fiercely egalitarian”, intolerant of any form of inequality. While hunter-gatherers accepted that people had different skills, abilities and attributes, they aggressively rejected efforts to institutionalise them into any form of hierarchy.
So what happened to cause such a profound shift in the human psyche away from egalitarianism? The balance of archaeological, anthropological and genomic data suggests the answer lies in the agricultural revolution, which began roughly 10,000 years ago.
The extraordinary productivity of modern farming techniques belies just how precarious life was for most farmers from the earliest days of the Neolithic revolution right up until this century (in the case of subsistence farmers in the world’s poorer countries). Both hunter-gatherers and early farmers were susceptible to short-term food shortages and occasional famines – but it was the farming communities who were much more likely to suffer severe, recurrent and catastrophic famines.
Hunting and gathering was a low-risk way of making a living. Ju/’hoansi hunter-gatherers in Namibia traditionally made use of 125 different edible plant species, each of which had a slightly different seasonal cycle, varied in its response to different weather conditions, and occupied a specific environmental niche. When the weather proved unsuitable for one set of species it was likely to benefit another, vastly reducing the risk of famine.
As a result, hunter-gatherers considered their environments to be eternally provident, and only ever worked to meet their immediate needs. They never sought to create surpluses nor over-exploited any key resources. Confidence in the sustainability of their environments was unyielding.
The Ju/’hoansi people have lived in southern Africa for hundreds of thousands of years.Photograph: James Suzman
In contrast, Neolithic farmers assumed full responsibility for “making” their environments provident. They depended on a handful of highly sensitive crops or livestock species, which meant any seasonal anomaly such as drought or livestock disease could cause chaos.
And indeed, the expansion of agriculture across the globe was punctuated by catastrophic societal collapses. Genomic research on the history of European populations points to a series of sharp declines that coincided first with the Neolithic expansion through central Europe around 7,500 years ago, then with their spread into north-western Europe about 6,000 years ago.
However, when the stars were in alignment – weather favourable, pests subdued, soils still packed with nutrients – agriculture was very much more productive than hunting and gathering. This enabled farming populations to grow far more rapidly than hunter-gatherers, and sustain these growing populations over much less land.
But successful Neolithic farmers were still tormented by fears of drought, blight, pests, frost and famine. In time, this profound shift in the way societies regarded scarcity also induced fears about raids, wars, strangers – and eventually, taxes and tyrants.
The Ju/’hoansi traditionally made use of 125 different edible plant species.Photograph: James Suzman
Not that early farmers considered themselves helpless. If they did things right, they could minimise the risks that fed their fears. This meant pleasing capricious gods in the conduct of their day-to-day lives – but above all, it placed a premium on working hard and creating surpluses.
Where hunter-gatherers saw themselves simply as part of an inherently productive environment, farmers regarded their environment as something to manipulate, tame and control. But as any farmer will tell you, bending an environment to your will requires a lot of work. The productivity of a patch of land is directly proportional to the amount of energy you put into it.
This principle that hard work is a virtue, and its corollary that individual wealth is a reflection of merit, is perhaps the most obvious of the agricultural revolution’s many social, economic and cultural legacies.
From farming to war
The acceptance of the link between hard work and prosperity played a profound role in reshaping human destiny. In particular, the ability to both generate and control the distribution of surpluses became a path to power and influence. This laid the foundations for all the key elements of our contemporary economies, and cemented our preoccupation with growth, productivity and trade.
Regular surpluses enabled a much greater degree of role differentiation within farming societies, creating space for less immediately productive roles. Initially these would have been agriculture-related (toolmakers, builders and butchers), but over time new roles emerged: priests to pray for good rains; fighters to protect farmers from wild animals and rivals; politicians to transform economic power into social capital.
A recent research paper examining inequality in early Neolithic societies confirms what early-20th century anthropologists already knew, on the basis of comparative studies of farming societies: that the greater the surpluses a society produced, the greater the levels of inequality in that society.
The new research maps the relative sizes of people’s homes in 63 Neolithic societies between 9000BC and 1500 AD. It finds a clear correlation between levels of material inequality – based on the size of household dwellings in each community – and the use of draught animals, which enabled people to put far greater energy into their fields.
Of course, even the most hard-working early Neolithic farmers learnt to their cost that the same patch of soil could not keep producing abundant harvests year after year. Their need to sustain ever-larger populations also set in motion a cycle of geographic expansion by means of conquest and war.
The Ju/‘hoansi, who once depended solely on hunting and gathering, now rely ever more on subsistence farming.Photograph: James Suzman
Thanks to studies of observed interactions between 20th-century hunter-gatherers such as the Ju/’hoansi and their farming neighbours in Africa, India, the Americas and south-east Asia, we now know that agriculture spread through Europe by the aggressive expansion of farming populations, at the expense of established hunter-gather populations.
The agricultural revolution also transformed the way humans think about time. Seeds are planted in spring to be harvested in autumn; fields are left fallow so they may be productive the following year. Thus farming-based societies created economies of hope and aspiration, in which we focus almost unerringly on the future, and where the fruits of our labour are delayed.
But it’s not only our work that is future-oriented: so much of modern life is a tangle of social goals and often-impossible expectations shaping everything from our love-lives to our health. Hunter-gatherers, by contrast, only worked to meet their immediate needs; they neither held themselves hostage to future aspirations, nor claimed privilege on the basis of past achievements.
Understanding how the agricultural revolution transformed human societies was once no more than a question of intellectual curiosity. Now, though, it has taken on a more practical and urgent aspect. Many of the challenges created by the agricultural revolution, such as the problem of scarcity, have largely been solved by technology – yet our preoccupation with hard work and unrestrained economic growth remains undimmed. As environmental economists remind us, this obsession risks cannibalising our – and many other species’ – futures.
So it is worth recognising that our current social, political and economic models are not an inevitable consequence of human nature, but a product of our (recent) history. That knowledge could free us to be more imaginative in changing the way we relate to our environments, and one another. Having spent 95% of Homo sapiens’ history hunting and gathering, there is surely a little of the hunter-gatherer psyche left in all of us.
